Dear Dark Lord
by Mihra-Attar
Summary: Harry's bored and at the Dursley's. Drabble. Letter-fic. NOW RATED M! HIATUS
1. Chapter 1

_**Dear Dark Lord **or Letters to the Man Behind the Curtain_

_Disclaim'd_

To the Dark Lord Voldemort

Voldemort,

I get that you needed to take my blood forcibly, and I don't horribly blame you, though was that tournament really necessary? Anyways, I get that, though why you wanted _my_ blood is beyond me. What I don't get is Cedric, or, as you so eloquently named him 'the spare'. Was his death truly useful? I mean, you killed the Hufflepuff Hunk. Also, I'm pretty torn up about it. I mean, I saw him _die_. That sticks with a person, you know? Or maybe you don't.

On another note, everyone who showed up that night got out of Azkaban by saying you'd Imperio'd them. Just thought I'd pass that on. Oh, and Lucius gave Ginny Weasley your old school diary, if he hasn't told you already. You almost came back too...but I stabbed it...with a basilisk fang. By the way, Basil's dead. I killed 'em with Godric's sword. Is it a he or a she do you know?

Any chance you could send some cookies? My cousin tends to eat all the ones in the house, not that I'd be allowed even a crumb. Thanks for that by the way. Wonderful of you to kill my parents and get me stuck with magic-phobic muggles of the worst sort. At least last year's Ton-Tongue Toffee Incident got D to lay off.

Well, that's all I can think of for now.

Yours,

The-Boy-Who-Lived

A/N: This can continue, or it can die. Let me know.


	2. Chapter 2

_**Dear Dark Lord **or Letters to the Man Behind the Curtain_

_Disclaim'd_

A/Ns:

My god I love you all! I've had so many reviews telling me to continue this, and it's making me so very happy.

Lesse (Let's see). These are probably all going to be very short. Then again, as this is being posted I'm obviously continuing. This is, I'm sad to say, another way to buy time for _The Enemy of my Father_ because I'm running into sadness there in the form of stalls, bad concepts, and writer's block. Though I've gotten my next installment back from my beta so once it's gone over again I'll be able to get it up.

I'm well aware that this isn't an original concept, but it's fun. Very fun.

And for those whose deductive reasoning got left on their pillow, much as mine does on a regular basis (along with my aural comprehension, ability to formulate complete sentences, and sanity) this is set in OotP, the first one being sent pre-dementors during the summer.

*&*&*&^,^&*&*&*

The Dark Lord stared at the paper in his hands, unable to formulate comprehensive thoughts on it, whether about its significance, or simply why it was sent.

"My Lord?" Lucius Malfoy stepped into the room.

"Please explain why you felt the need to get my school diary stabbed with a basilisk fang. I do believe I told you to guard it until I personally gave you further instructions." The Dark Lord didn't look up from the letter.

There was no response.

"Very well. Let's try this: Why has Harry Potter owled me?" The Dark Lord was coming out of his shocked stupor, and enjoyed the stunned look on his follower's face.

"P-pardon?" Lucius asked.

"Two days ago I received an owl from the boy. It was rather informative." At that moment there was a tapping on the window, and the Dark Lord spelled it open with a flick of his wand. In flew a snowy white owl with a slip of parchment in her beak.

_DLV_

_Did you send dementors after me or was that someone else?_

_-HP_

_Oh, sign your old initials so I know it's you responding. _

The Dark Lord stared at the slip of paper, then looked at the owl who hadn't left, choosing to perch as far away from the two Dark wizards as possible. It had actually taken him a minute to decipher the hastily scrawled missive, not to mention the fact that he'd never seen Dark Lord Voldemort as initials before. Most people were too afraid of his wrath.

"Were you aware of a dementor attack on the Potter boy?" The Dark Lord asked.

"No my Lord." Lucius replied, looking at his Master with confusion and no little fear. The fear was good, of course.

There was a flurry of wings, and the owl was suddenly batting his head. He sighed, summoned a quill, ink, and a fresh scrap of parchment.

_HP_

_I authorized no such attack._

_-**TMR**_

He handed the scrap to the bird, and she flew away. He was going to have to convince that boy not to make him sign his old initials. He** hated** his old initials. He'd only signed them because the chances of someone intercepting the owl who knew his old initials was slim to none. Of course, he'd also taken the precaution of signing in parselscript. If the boy was, as he suspected from the letter, a parselmouth, they would have a safe way of writing with no one living able to decode the missives. If not he'd find out, somehow or another.


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaim'd**

GYAH! It bit out words again! *cries, then fixes* sorry 'bout that.

_*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*_

_Harry Potter,_

_Might I inquire as to why you found it necessary to owl my Master? You consort with mudbloods and blood traitors, and He is everything you stand against. I don't know what you are up to, but rest assured I will find out._

_Very truly yours,_

_-Lucius Malfoy_

_*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*_

_Severus Snape,_

_I was wondering if you had any boomslang skin I could borrow. I'll replace it as soon as I can get to Diagon Alley._

_Your Dunderhead,_

_-Harry (Bloody) Potter_

_*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*_

_To the Dark Lord Voldemort:_

_I hope all these owls aren't bugging you. I got a letter from Lucius. He's really protective of you, you know. Anyways: You remember those dementors I mentioned? I think Fudge or someone under him is trying to take me out. I thought you wanted to be the one to kill me. Are you really going to let whoever it is get away with trying to steal your glory?_

_Crap. Uncle's coming._

_-T-B-W-L_

_*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*_

_Harry Potter,_

_You will explain to me in person why you need boomslang skin, and then we will see._

_-Severus Snape_

_*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*_

_The-Boy-Who-Failed-To-Die_

_Lucius wrote to you? I will have to deal with him. I am not going to do anything about the Ministry as they are more convenient when ignoring me. I trust you can keep yourself alive until I kill you._

_As to your first letter: Thank you for the tip about my 'faithful' servants. I will have to devise a suitable punishment, and an extra one for Lucius for giving my school things to a Weasley of all people. _

_On that note: I would appreciate it if you would refrain from stabbing any more of my heirlooms. I prefer them in a more pristine state. _

_If you didn't wish the spare to die you shouldn't have been so chivalrous as to share your victory. Therefore you are the one to have caused his death._

_Finally: Should you desire it, I will happily send my Death Eaters to your residence for the purpose of ridding the world of your relatives. Of course, if they catch you they will bring you to me, but either way the muggles will be dead. _

_Enjoy your summer_

_-The Dark Lord Voldemort_


	4. Chapter 4

**Story: **Dear Dark Lord

**Author: **Mihra~Attar

**Chapter: **4

**Chapter Rating: **M

**Disclaimer: **Don't own, etc.

**Summary: **There isn't one…yet…deal.

**A/N: **~Whimpers~ It just happened, okay?

**Guide:**

~*~*~*~*~*~*~ = normal scene break/letter

~*~*~ = mini-scene break (not always used)

~*~*~*~*~PS~*~*~*~*~ Parselscript follows

**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**

Last time on DDL:

…

If you didn't wish the spare to die you shouldn't have been so chivalrous as to share your victory. Therefore you are the one to have caused his death.

…

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Mouldy Voldie,

Fuck you.

-Scarhead

_After reading the missive the owl's rapid departure made a great deal of sense._

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Potter,

That wasn't nice. Next time you insult me like that I will kill your owl.

-The Dark Lord

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Lucius,

Please forward the enclosed to your master.

-Harry Potter

~*~*~*~

Voldie,

Thanks for the warning. I'll be sure to take the necessary precautions…as you can see.

Have I mentioned I've been relocated? Right under your nose too. Nyeah nyeah! Still have cleaning chores though. Do you have to clean up after your torture people, or do you get your Corpse Munchers to do it for you?

Oh, I just remembered what Peeves kept singing at me in second year. I think you might appreciate it.

Potter, you rotter, what have you done? You're killing off students, you think it's good fun!

-The-Boy-You-Keep-Failing-at-Offing

P.S. Expect a present.

P.P.S. Write in parselscript from now on.

~*~*~*~*~PS~*~*~*~*~

Potter you rotter,

You're right. I did appreciate it. Relocated you say? Care to tell me where?

No, I don't have to clean up after myself. That's what house elves are for…and Wormtail.

A present you say. Care to give me a hint?

-Voldemort

~*~*~*~*~PS~*~*~*~*~

The Dark Anagram Nerd,

Why give you a hint when I can show you? Enjoy.

Truly Yours

Parry Otter

~*~*~*~

"LUCIUS!"

"Ye-es master?"

"What is this?"

"…"

"Lucius?"

"I think I'm going to be sick."

~*~*~*~*~

"Wow. I'm glad we had a camera on hand." Harry sat smugly, holding a set of photos in his hands.

"I'm glad everyone except Dumbledore and Him agreed to participate." George said, grinning from ear-to-ear.

"I'm glad Fred agreed to be Lucius." Harry mentioned, wincing at the though of what Fred had endured.

"I'm glad Tonks managed to pull of Voldie's face in a female body." Fred said slyly.

Tonks just shuddered.

They continued looking at the pictures.

"Hey, there's the one with George-Albus!" Ron pointed out through a mouthful of sandwich.

"Eew. Oh, eew eew eew!" Ginny shuddered.

"Hey, you as you was just as disturbing. How come we didn't know you could do dominatrix?" Hermione asked.

"You were even better. A muggleborn holding Lucius Malfoy's leash!"

"I cannot believe I let you brew that potion." Severus said from the other side of the room.

"I found it rather liberating." Arthur said from the kitchen.

"Arthur!" Molly's voice was followed by a hollow slapping sound.

"Sorry dear!" Arthur yelped.

"Twin power!" Fred and George snickered at a picture of them…actually Ginny and Ron polyjuiced, but close enough, and Lucius.

"Should we send one to Draco as a present?" Harry asked.

"Oh, can we?" Ron added.

"I'll think about it." Hermione said, gathering the whole set up.

"Why did we put you in charge of them again?" Ginny asked.

"Because none of you have any restraint whatsoever." Hermione replied. "And you'd regret something eventually."

"Oh, right." Ginny pouted.

"Can we at least send one of them to Rita?" Harry asked.

"No." Hermione snapped. "Now it's time to eat."

Her glare was enough to make them all scramble into the kitchen.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N:** Wow. I think I'm insane. Cool!

For those who wish to know what the pictures were (I don't think I explained this yet) if you can't figure it out you're not old enough to know, therefore think up something. Honestly, even pictures of Lucius Malfoy and Authur Weasley acting friendly would likely disturb Voldemort, Lucius, and the others, so there's lots of room for interpretation.

Now on to your regularly scheduled (if by regularly scheduled one means infrequently sporadic) lunacy.

~*~*~*~*~*~PS~*~*~*~*~*~

Mr. Potter,

I hope you realize I'm going to have to _crucio_ Severus for brewing polyjuice for you.

-Lord Voldemort

~*~*~*~*~*~PS~*~*~*~*~*~

Tom,

Snape didn't brew it for us. Hermione, Ron, and I brewed it. After all, it's not that hard. We did brew some during second year to sneak into the Slytherin common room.

- Mr. Potter

P.S. Instead of using _crucio_ why not just torture Snapey-poo with that little tidbit.

~*~*~*~*~*~PS~*~*~*~*~*~

Cretin,

I'll give you one better. I had Bella call him "Snapey-poo". Here's a wizarding picture. With sound.

-TDL

"Harry, what's that?" Hermione was standing behind his chair.

"_Snapey-poo! Come here Snapey-poo!"_

"_Get away from me woman!" _

"Bellatrix Lestrange calling Snape Snapey-poo."

"Where, exactly?"

"I don't know. Probably a Death Munchies meeting."

"So why do you have it? And what's the writing on that paper?"

"Um... Wiggly, snake-like lines?"

"Harry! Tell me you're not writing to He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named."

"I'm not writing to He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named."

"Okay, now mean it."

"I'm not, really!"

"Um-hmm."

"I'm writing to Tom."

"Graaaahhhhhh! I give up!" She stormed away.

"What is all this racket about?" Snape stuck his head in.

"Um...nothing!" Harry shoved the letter and picture into his cloak.

"Really? Then you won't mind showing me what you just hid, now will you?"

"Right. Gotta go, lots of homework!"

"Potter!"

Harry slowly pulled the missive and picture from his pocket. Snape froze when he saw it.

"At least he didn't _crucio_ you?"

"I was wondering why...POTTER! WHAT? WHY? WHAT ON EARTH POSSESSED YOU TO START OWLING THE BLOODY DARK LORD?"

"Um..."

"**POTTER!**"

"I was depressed about Cedric alright? I wanted to just die and no one was talking to me, nothing serious, and I decided that maybe Voldie would at least respond with more than empty letters on a waste of parchment! Bugger off!" He pushed past Snape and stormed to his room, completely ignoring the adults who were staring at him with various levels of shock, horror, dismay, etcetera.

~*~*~*~*~*~PS~*~*~*~*~*~

Potter, I do not appreciate random headaches. Please keep your temper tantrums to a minimum.

-Voldemort.

Harry screamed at the letter, and focused on forcing all of his anger through whatever connection he and Voldemort had. Somewhere far away, in the middle of _crucioing_ Severus Snape, Voldemort clutched his head. Snape slowly uncurled from his "being tortured position" and stared at the uglier of his two masters.

"My Lord?" He asked cautiously.

"Bloody Potter!" The Dark Lord's body went limp.

"_Potter!" He was in a room. It was, for all intents and purposes, a bastardization of life itself. Half of it was red and gold, and probably taken directly from the Gryffindor common room, as the other half was silver, green, and black, and taken directly from the Slytherin common room. _

"_Bugger off!" Potter, the brat, was curled by the fire on a red armchair, clutching his head. _

"_Why, exactly, do you insist on giving me headaches whilst I am torturing my minions?" _

"_Just leave me alone! You're no different than the others! You don't care about me at all, just want to use me! Now leave me alone!"_

_The Dark Lord stared, wondering how to respond._

...

**A/N: **Okay, here's where the story splits. Obviously not my original intent, but that's how life goes. From here on out there will be three story lines. One will continue the insanity, one will be a rather fluffy if hopefully disturbing HP/Voldemort set, and the final one will involve character death. Lots of character death. Of course, Updates will be as sporadic as ever. But here's the question: Three new stories, or three chapters at once, one from each story, all running parallel? You decide!


	6. Chapter 6

Note: Scene break problems care of ffnet. Author puts scene breaks in.

Ah, I love my reviewers! You're all just awesome! So the majority votes are for three separate stories, so here's how it's gonna be. I will continue here with the main storyline, namely insanity. This will be the original Dear Dark Lord. Then there will be two separate stories, labeled something along the lines of "Dear Dark Lord: Fluff" and "Dear Dark Lord: Dark". As I'm not particularly fond of either of those, feel free to send suggestions. I will note in the next chapter here when each is posted, not that the timing will sync up in any meaningful way if my muses have anything to say about it.

Tor: You got that right.

Tara: No complaining! You get to kill off anyone you want to in the Dark plotline.

Tor: Whatever.

Anywho... after that I probably won't say much about the others here, though knowing me that'll change like the second hand changes positions. Riiight, on with the story!

~*~*~*~*~*~STORY~*~*~*~*~*~

"_Just leave me alone! You're no different than the others! You don't care about me at all, just want to use me! Now leave me alone!"_

_The Dark Lord stared, wondering how to respond. It wasn't like he could leave, not without calming the boy enough to end his own headache. Still, interacting with the water-filled sack of hormonal angst was apparently making things worse. It was a dilemma. _

_Finally he sighed and flopped gracefully onto one of the black leather armchairs. _

_Harry said nothing. _

_Voldemort waited. He was patient. He had to be. Thirteen or so years as a disembodied spirit would give anyone great patience, especially in their own mind. _

Is this really my mind?_ He wondered as he waited. _I mean, if Potter shares it, can I really call it my own? For that matter, can he really call his mind his own? Huh, I wonder..._ He started poking around, looking for compulsions and other such things. After all, anyone with a connection to _him_ couldn't possibly be the epitome of a Gryffindor...could they?_

"_Oww! Stop that!" Harry glared, and Voldemort stopped poking around. _

"_Stop giving me a headache." Voldemort turned as though to return to his prodding. _

"_What do you want from me?" Harry yelled, jumping to his feet. _

"_For you to stop giving me a headache." Voldemort replied, turning and leaning against the wall. _

"_You're a selfish bastard, you know that?" Harry grumped. _

_Voldemort blinked. "You're just now figuring this out?" _

_... "No, not really." Did the boy seriously have to look like he'd been chastised for sneaking cookies? It was like kicking a puppy! He might be a Dark Lord, but kicking puppies, and anything that felt like kicking puppies for that matter, was just too easy to be fun. When he put things in pain he wanted them to be _able _to fight back and _choose _to not do so. He wasn't a bully, after all. _

"_Glad you're not as stupid as you act." Still, being nice would be worse. Hopefully there would be _some_ middle ground. _

"_Hey!" _

_Voldemort just raised the skin where his eyebrow should be._

"_Oh that's just creepy." _

"_Glad you approve." _

"_I didn't say-"_

"_Creepy is approval where my appearance is concerned." _

"_Well you've got that covered then, now get out of my head?"_

"_Stop sending me headaches." _

"_Fine, I'll stop angsting at you." _

"_Good boy."_

"_I'm not a puppy!" _

"_Bye now, be good for Severus when I send him back to you!" Voldemort patted Harry's head, then waved before disappearing back to his body. _

Severus was still there, looking rather concerned. The flash of disappointment would have to be punished, of course.

~*~*~*~*~*~PS~*~*~*~*~*~

Potter,

As it is the 31st of August, and my minions have yet to see you in Diagon Alley, I must assume someone else has done your school shopping for you. How sad. Did they at least let you out twice a day to water the garden? Though, given your age, perhaps four to six times a day might be necessary to prevent accidents.

Your silence since our little mental chat has left me quite grumpy. Ask Severus if you don't believe me. As it is, I'm feeling quite abandoned. Perhaps I'll visit you on the train? Or slip through the forest? Hmm. Shall I disguise myself as your new Defence teacher and slip into the school...again? Actually, you'd probably prefer that. The woman the Ministry's foisted off on you is a complete toad. Hmm.

Happily,

-Voldemort

~*~*~*~*~*~PS~*~*~*~*~*~

Voldemort,

I AM NOT A PUPPY!

I see what you mean by calling her a toad, at least physically. How about I tell you after my first lesson whether you should take her place? Though, after the speech she gave. _She interrupted Dumbledore!_ I'm starting to think you'd be a better choice, and hey, if you get bored just make your Munchies do some time. Might be amusing.

I'm sorry you feel abandoned. The box contains some of the largest bloody brownies I've ever seen. I personally enjoyed the red-flavoured sauce, but tell me what you think. Also tell me if they at all make up for my perceived abandonment of you.

Truly,

-Harry James Potter

~*~*~*~*~*~PS~*~*~*~*~*~

Son of James,

Bloody brownies. Ha ha. Yes, taking a swear literally, how quaint. Though the red-flavoured sauce somehow tasted red. How do you get a flavour to taste like a colour?

As for the toad, I have already heard from some of my minions that they have sent ...Defense... books for their children to study from. Sure you don't just want me to take over from the start?

Munching,

-Voldemort.

~*~*~*~*~*~PS~*~*~*~*~*~

To: The Dark Lord Voldemort,

Did you know the toad is using a quill that cuts into your hand for students to write lines during detention? Would that be considered a form of corporal punishment? You know what, I don't care. I would like to formally accept your offer to take over the position of Defense Against the Dark Arts professor, under the condition that you, or anyone working for you in said position, not try to kill myself, any of the students, or any of the professors whilst on Hogwarts grounds or otherwise acting as Umbridge's body-double.

Sincerely,

Harry James Potter

Heir Potter

Gryffindor

~*~*~*~*~*~PS~*~*~*~*~*~

Potter,

Too bad, so sad. Probably shouldn't have told me about the Blood Quill. I happen to heartily approve of that method of punishment. Enjoy!

-Voldemort

~*~*~*~*~*~PS~*~*~*~*~*~

Dork Lard,

I hate you. Go drown in a toilet.

-Heir of Light

~*~*~*~*~*~PS~*~*~*~*~*~

Heirry,

I find the fact that you signed "Heir of Light" in parselscript to be ironic.

-The Dark Lord

~*~*~*~*~*~PS~*~*~*~*~*~

Voldie,

I hate you.

-H**a**rry

~*~*~*~*~*~PS~*~*~*~*~*~

H**a**rry,

So you've said.

-Voldemort

~*~*~*~*~*~PS~*~*~*~*~*~

Voldesnort,

Think I could convince Sevvie-poo to teach me how to _crucio_ people? Or _imperio_ them? I'm getting rather tired of cutting my hand open every night.

- Harry

~*~*~*~*~*~PS~*~*~*~*~*~

Snotter,

Out of curiosity, what is that witch having you write?

- Volde**m**ort (The Dark Lord you will never defeat)

~*~*~*~*~*~PS~*~*~*~*~*~

Voldork,

_I must not tell lies._ Funny how every time I say you're back she makes me write that. Wonder who I'm writing if it's not you? Do you have an evil twin I don't know about?

- Harry

He stared at the letter before sending it off.

That was probably the most disturbing concept Harry had ever come up with.

It was brilliant!

"Oy! Fred! George!" Harry called the pranksters over.

"What is it Harri-kins?" Fred asked.

"I have an idea."

The next morning the students entered the Great Hall to a hilarious, and terrifying sight. On the wall behind the teacher's table was a giant mural. To the left stood Voldemort in all his glory, robed, red-eyed, pasty-white, snake-like face glaring balefully upon the masses. To the right stood Umbridge, frilly and proper, her pink dress highlighted with yellow, her face set in a grimacing smile. Between them were two sets of text. By Voldemort was the designation "Chaotic Evil"; by Umbridge "Lawful Evil". Between the two was the message: "Evil twins, separated at birth. Highly dangerous. Implements of torture alternately include _crucio_, Blood Quills, branding, excessive detention, evil eyes, and merely existing. If sighted do not approach! Instead please call 666-3431, that's 666-DIE!" It was signed "_Legacy_."

Harry immediately took a picture.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~A/N~*~*~*~*~*~*~

So, with the beginning "Dear Dark Lord:" What should the other two stories be called? For reference, one will have lots and lots of death, the other will have lots of confusion and fluff. And to stave off any complaints later: Both will be Horribly OOC.


End file.
